


(Everybody's Doing) The Paris City Shuffle

by Sodiumn



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien puts the 'hot' in 'hot mess', Alya takes her Lois Lane method acting seriously, DOUBLE Partial Identity Reveal, Dysfuntional teenage relationships, F/M, Identity Issues, Identity Reveal, Idiots in Love, Marinette is thirsty as fuck, Mild Profanity, Nino is the Mom Friend everyone deserves, Partial Identity Reveal, Somebody Help These Poor Children, The World's Stupidest Love Square, These kids have zero chill, not very serious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:53:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6676720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sodiumn/pseuds/Sodiumn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’ve heard of the love square, but are you ready for the love square, squared? </p><p>Marinette knows Adrien is Cat Noir. Adrien knows Ladybug is Marinette. But neither of them know that the other one knows, and things get a bit silly.</p><p>A not-particularly-serious collection of drabbles, featuring the elusive double partial-reveal, and starring everyone’s favorite oblivious idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Revelation in Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: Adrien tags trashcan photos with ‘#me’
> 
> This takes place pre- plot-relevant episodes (Simon Says, Volpina, etc) because I’ve already got one plot-heavy fic in the works and I can’t handle another. 
> 
> I’m going mostly off the English dub’s names/phrases/translations because I think they did a fantastic job and I love it. 
> 
> Also, I know that French high school isn’t exactly equivalent to American high school but fuck if I know what the differences are, so you get American high school in France. Like in the English dub (see The Pharoah), our lovely hopeless children are sophomores.

It was such a stupid way for him to find out, in the end.

 

Chloe, in her never-ending quest to unwittingly do all of Hawkmoth’s work for him, had inspired yet another akuma attack, tearing into a hapless underclassman that had accidentally stepped on her toe as school was letting out. Predictably, there was now a villain running around controlling a pair of oversized feet made of magic who was determined to stomp on everyone. Or something. Adrien had missed the name, but it was probably along the lines of The Stomper. Maybe The Stompinator, if Hawkmoth was feeling fancy.

 

In search of a clear place to transform into his black-clad alter-ego, Adrien hurried to the school cafeteria, banking on it being empty given that lunch had ended hours before. Running full-tilt, head turned to watch over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t followed in, he never even saw the trash can coming. 

 

The involuntary front flip he performed into the oversized refuse-filled bin was almost graceful--or at least as graceful as one could be when forcibly faceplanting into a bin full of discarded food and trash. The embarrassingly high-pitched startled yelp he let out was somewhat less impressive.

 

He flailed about wildly, struggling to right himself and escape his foul-smelling prison, and cursing his delicate model physique. If only he weighed more than a buck even, he thought, then he might have just bowled the trash can over entirely and escaped this pungent catastrophe (and he put the ‘cat’ in ‘catastrophe’, that was for sure). Certainly he wouldn’t be barely even rocking it as he kicked his way back upright, Plagg laughing hysterically at his expense all the while.

 

Adrien had just finally gotten his feet under him when he heard the cafeteria doors swing open and shut once more, followed by the quick footsteps of a single person. Reflexively, he ducked back down into the trash can--he told himself it was to keep unseen while the unknown person passed through, so that he could transform once they were clear of the room. It certainly wasn’t to protect his reputation from the disgrace a garbage bath would bring, or to keep his delicate dignity intact, he reassured himself. No way, he was definitely not in denial, not him.

 

But the other occupant of the cafeteria had stilled, footsteps stopping only a little way inside the door. Adrien frowned. Were they trying to hide out from the attack in here of all places? He knew being Cat Noir came with a certain amount of innate bad luck, but that would be the worst in a long while.  He wouldn’t be able to out-wait them, he couldn’t leave Ladybug hanging like that...if they didn’t leave soon, he would have no choice but to reveal himself in all his trash covered glory, which would be horrifically awkward at best, and mortifyingly ego destroying at worst.

 

Carefully, he peeked over the lip of the trash can, trying to gauge the odds of escaping this disaster humiliation-free. The sight that greeted his eyes quickly turned into an unbelievable scene.

 

Marinette was crouched just inside the cafeteria doors, carefully out of sight of the door windows. He watched from his undignified vantage point as she sharply scanned the room, ducking briefly as her gaze passed over his direction before popping his head back up to resume his  creeping reconnaissance. 

 

Apparently reassured that she was alone in the room, Marinette called out something that sounded an awful lot like “Tikki, spots on!”, except that didn’t make any sense to Adrien, because that was the sort of thing a Miraculous holder might say to their kwami, not something that should be coming out of his mild-mannered classmate’s mouth. He must have misheard, he reasoned.

 

Unfortunately for Adrien’s reasoning capabilities, he was immediately proven wrong by the newly presented evidence that yeah, that was totally something a Miraculous holder would say, and yeah, his shy classmate might just in fact be said Miraculous wielder. Exhibit A: Marinette was now wearing a lot of red. And a lot of spots. And a lot of (well, okay, just the one) yoyo.

 

While Adrien’s brain was busy rebooting, the red-clad revelation in front of him made her exit, bolting back out the cafeteria doors in the direction of the muffled distant wails of terror and anguish that marked the akumatized villain’s presumable location.

 

Adrien stared blankly after Ladybug as the cafeteria doors swung wildly back and forth with the speed of her departure, watching as they gradually slowed until they finally came to a rest closed shut. After a long moment staring at those doors as though they might have the answers to the universe, a very dumbfounded Adrien tried to force himself into motion. 

 

He slowly pushed himself upright then paused, at a complete and utter loss of what to do next. He was still standing waist deep in waste (‘waste deep’ said the corner of Adrien’s mind dedicated to puns, because nothing as simple as the most life-changing revelation he had ever experienced would stop him from being a pun-loving fuck). His mouth was hanging open, and he was pretty sure his eyes were bugging out of his head (‘Ladybugging out’ helpfully added his pun-dedicated brain lobe). A banana peel was slowly sliding down the side of his head.

 

Only one thought cycled through his blank mind.

 

Ladybug was Marinette?

 

He blinked, and tried to think literally any other thought. It was a bit like turning the ignition in a car with an engine that wouldn’t turn over. Click-click-click. Nothing. Click-click-click. Still nothing.

 

Ladybug was Marinette.

 

Then Adrien frowned. Or was it that Marinette was Ladybug? Or was the difference just semantic? He usually felt more like Cat Noir than Adrien-the-model-with-daddy-issues, but maybe Marinette (holy shit, Marinette, she was Ladybug, his mind helpfully reminded him) felt the other way around? Or was it a chicken and the egg sort of thing? He was distantly aware that shock was making what few thoughts he could have a little nonsensical.

 

“Uhh, kid? You okay there?” Plagg’s voice broke the silence in the cafeteria, interrupting Adrien’s miniature existential crisis.

 

“Nnnngh,” replied Adrien intelligently. The black kwami floated into his vision, square in front of his eyes and Adrien blinked at him stupidly.

 

“Come on kid, get it together, we don’t have time for your teenage melodrama,” Plagg informed him briskly. “Time to transform, showtime, let’s go, et cetera.”

 

Adrien just stared at him. “Marinette is Ladybug,” he informed Plagg very seriously.

 

The kwami sagged in midair, eyes rolling heavenward. “Yeah kid, I was there. Kind of hard to miss.” Plagg sighed heavily before muttering to himself, “There’s not enough cheese in the world for this nonsense.” 

 

Adrien did a little bit more bewildered staring. “Marinette,” he repeated very gravely, “is Ladybug.”

 

“Oh for fu-- Kid!” Plagg zipped to shout in his ear. “If you don’t get it together and transform, your girl Marinette won’t be Ladybug, she’ll just be a Ladybug shaped squish-mark courtesy of that akuma out there! Fight first, nervous breakdown after!”

 

Adrien, blinked, starting to snap out of it. “Right, right, you’re right. Plagg, claws out!”

 

“Wait, wait, not in the trashcannnnn…” Plagg’s voice trailed away as he was sucked into Adrien’s ring, light racing outwards to leave the teen newly covered in black leather. And still covered in garbage. 

 

“Aw hell,” Adrien muttered, swiftly hopping up to do a (gratuitous and completely unnecessary) double backflip out of his former hiding spot. His heightened sense of smell was decidedly unhappy with him, and he crinkled his nose. Okay, transforming before climbing out was definitely a mistake, Adrien would give Plagg that much credit.

 

Mustering up some determination, he turned and took two swift steps towards the cafeteria exit, then abruptly stopped. Turning back around, he whipped out his staff like a baseball bat, and proceeded to slug the trashcan as hard as he fucking could across the room, leaving an impressively sized crater in the back wall. That settled, he turned once and finally ran to go do his job and help Ladybug (who was Marinette  _ holy shit _ ).

 

“About time!” Ladybug ( _ Marinette! _ ) called out to him as he finally joined the fight in the streets outside of their ( _!!! _ ) school. “Where have you been?” Then she paused and made a face. “And what’s that smell?”

 

Luckily, Sir-Stomps-A-Lot or whoever the fuck he was kept Adrien from having to form a coherent reply, helpfully booting him across the road into a storefront. Minor head trauma and the excitement of a good ol’ akuma fight helped Adrien push his recent discovery out of his mind, and with a bit of effort, he managed to act close enough to normal to pass muster.

 

He went through the usual drill with Ladybug (- _ don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t- _ ) running around with a satisfactory amount of superfluous gymnastic feats,  **Cataclysm** -ing a cement truck on demand, doing a little more excessive parkour, and even managing to meet his pun quota.

 

“I think we got off on the wrong foot!” Adrian dodged the kick from the magical dismembered foot he got in response.

 

“We can go toe-to-toe if that’s what you want!” Adrien, in fact,  _ couldn’t _ go toe-to-toe and got a nice oversized glowing boot to the face for his trouble.

 

“Woah, don’t  _ tread _ on me!” He almost got a large stomp in the back for that one before Ladybug ( _ -don’t do it just stop brain- _ ) very helpfully yanked him out of kicking range with her yoyo.

 

“My Lady, we must be  _ sole _ mates!” She threw him back.  _ Worth it. _

 

“It’s fine, I’m getting a  _ kick _ out out this!” He managed to dodge that stomp all on his own, score one for Cat Noir!

 

“Man, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes!” Adrien taunted as he finally managed to lead Stompasaurus Rex into the cement he had helpfully spread across the roadway, and then the fight was over. Turns out gigantic semi-tangible glowing magic feet got stuck in concrete just as easily as real ones. Kind of a rip off, really.

 

Ladybug did her usual MacGyver nonsense with a red-and-black laundry hamper, her yoyo, and a piece of rebar somehow culminating in prying off the actual physical shoes of Stompy McStompface, the clear candidate for where the akuma was hosted. One purified butterfly later, and they were home free.

 

“Pound it!” Adrien chimed in unison with Ladybug, knocking knuckles right on cue.

 

“So…” Ladybug started, a teasing smirk on her face. “Fashionably late today?”

 

Adrien felt himself flushing slightly as he gave a little chagrined laugh, rubbing the back of his head with one hand. “Yeah, sorry, I was a little busy. Had to take out the trash, you know how it goes.” He ducked his head and peered up at her through his messy blond bangs, aiming for ‘cute innocent kitten’ and missing it by a country mile if her bemused face was anything to go by.

 

Then Ladybug scrunched up her nose, eyes crossing a little as she leaned her head back from his direction. “Is that why you smell like…” she gave a tentative sniff. “Rotten bananas?”

 

“Eh heh heh,” he chuckled nervously. “Not the best of  _ purr _ -fumes, I’ll admit.” The cat pun had its intended effect, making Ladybug roll her eyes and scoff, even as her lips twitched in suppressed amusement. Honestly, forget the cat stuff, Adrien was pretty sure carefully deployed weaponized puns were his  _ real _ superpower. He knew he amused her, and it was worth every bit of effort to see her get that cheerful sparkle in her beautiful eyes.

 

Her beautiful  _ blue  _ eyes.

 

Her beautiful blue eyes that were reminding him very suddenly of a different pair of blue eyes--or rather, the same pair, just in a face without a mask. A face he knew very well, in fact, since it belonged to a girl that sat behind him in class every day. His post-battle high was beginning to wear off and his suppressed internal panic attack was starting to surface again, with a vengeance.

 

“Uh, Cat?” Ladybug ( _ oh god she’s Marinette what do I do-- _ ) was frowning just a little now as she peered up at him. Adrien wasn’t too sure what expression he was making, trying as hard as he was to keep from going bananas (heh heh, said his brain) with restrained emotional tension, but he knew he’d been staring at her like a dumbass for long enough for her to notice something was off.

 

He gave her what was probably the most awkward smile he’d ever had since he was nine years old and modelling for the first time.  _ Shit, don’t freak out in front of her, _ he coached himself. _ Act cool, act natural, deep breaths…  _ Fuck. There was no way he was going to maintain his composure. Failure was imminent.

 

His downslide was interrupted by the beeping of his ring, halting his slow deterioration into an actual walking disaster zone with cat ears. The chiming sound, usually the bane of his existence, now sounded like the angels themselves were singing to him.

 

“Uh, I gotta go!” Adrien all but shouted, waving his hand with the ring vaguely in her direction. “Byeeee!” He turned tail and fled, beating a hasty retreat over the rooftops. He could practically feel Ladybug/Marinette frowning at his back, but at this point, he needed all the space he could get.

 

He had no idea how to handle this.

 

He made it back to his father’s mansion right before his ring gave its final beep, transformation dissolving off of him the second he dropped in through his bedroom window. He caught Plagg from the air out of habit and plunked him down on his desk, already fishing some cheese out of his bribery stash. There was no time to engage in any of his customary bickering with his kwami--he had some good old fashioned teenage angsting to do.

 

Adrien dropped onto his couch and flopped his head back with a heavy sigh.

 

So. Marinette was Ladybug.

 

It made sense, now that he knew to look for it. The dark hair, the blue eyes, the constant irregular absences and general flakiness--not her being scatterbrained and clumsy, like she claimed, but rather her covering for her work as a superhero. After all, she didn’t have a busy modelling career to use as a shield from suspicion. And he had long suspected Ladybug might go to the same school as him, but he had never dreamed she would be so close.

 

Adrien felt a smile start to creep over his face. Ladybug was Marinette--and that was actually pretty awesome. She was one of the first friends he had ever made, and was in his circle of closest friends. And she was smart, and kind, and a natural leader, and talented, and fuck, how did he not see this before? 

 

He was grinning like a lovesick loon now. Marinette.  _ Marinette _ . He had been so worried that when he and Ladybug finally exchanged identities, that he would be faced with a near stranger. After all, he both knew Ladybug so deeply, impossibly well, while simultaneously knowing next to nothing about her. He had known her strength of character, while knowing nothing of her life. Two halves of a whole.

 

But now he had the whole picture, and it was starting to feel pretty great. The love of his life--and she had been sitting in plain sight all along. Now he just had to--

 

He just had to--

 

Shit.

 

He couldn’t just go and confess. He definitely couldn’t run off and declare his love to Marinette. She didn’t even like him all that much.

 

Adrien wasn’t blind.  **(Editor’s Note: Adrien is, in fact, incredibly blind.)** Marinette had always been a bit more reserved with him than with the rest of her friends. He had noticed how much quieter she was with him, how much less willing to engage in conversation he was, how she would look away from his eye contact. All pretty obvious signs of discomfort, even if they had improved a lot over the last year. 

 

Adrien was pretty sure it was because of their less-than-ideal start, back when she had thought he was falling in line as one of Chloe’s ilk. She had graciously forgiven him for his mis-steps from when they had first met, but he could tell she was still holding back, and he was pretty sure she still held reservations about his character. He could understand why she held him at arm’s length. Once bitten, twice shy, after all.

 

And Ladybug had always been so adamant about keeping their identities safe. If he came out now and confessed, she wouldn’t be happy. She would feel betrayed. And it would almost certainly ruin any chance he ever had of gaining her heart.

 

As Ladybug, she laughed off his advances. As Marinette, she sometimes could barely look at him.

 

Adrien could see it now. If she knew what he knew, the complete trust she held with him as Ladybug and Cat Noir would be damaged. And the delicate blooming friendship she held with him as Marinette and Adrien would be set back, perhaps insurmountably so.

 

He couldn’t tell her. He could never let her know.

 

His knowledge had to stay secret.

 

Adrien groaned and pushed himself up from the couch. Why did things have to be so complicated? Reeking of garbage and teenage anguish, he went to go shower and do some very heavy thinking (because, as everyone knows, showers are the place to go for Deep Thought). 

 

Well, he just needed a new plan. Now that he knew the truth, he would work even harder on his friendship with Marinette. Nothing too fast, nothing to raise suspicions or cause any push back, but if he could get her to trust him as Adrien the civilian, he would have the ideal groundwork for when she, as Ladybug, was ready to take that next step and reveal their identities on her terms.

 

He just had to take it slow, not scare her off, and then when that time came he would be ready. It would be difficult--maybe impossibly so--and it would take a lot of work and finesse, but he thought if he just tried hard enough, maybe, just maybe, Marinette would eventually fall in love with him too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Adrien, you beautiful idiot. Bless your sweet but socially stunted heart. 
> 
> A “Kansas City Shuffle” is a term for a certain kind of con job, where the con-artist is trying to con a guy, but in a really roundabout way. The mark is smart enough to know it’s a con, and thinks he’s figured out what it is and how to beat it and “con the con man” so to speak, but in reality, the con-artist is baiting him with an obvious surface con, and the real con is a deeper secondary one, effectively double-conning the mark. Complicated enough?
> 
> In this Parisian variation, Adrien and Marinette are each essentially their own con-artists. Someone help these poor children.


	2. Unrequited Love is the New Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate chapter title: In Which Marinette Can’t Even
> 
> As you can probably tell, I’m not trying super hard to keep everyone in character. However, don’t tell me Marinette wouldn’t totally creep on Adrien like this. She’s got a drop down schedule chart dedicated to stalking him, for fuck’s sake. Season 2 will have her collecting his hair for a closet shrine Helga Pataki style. In season 3 she’s going to have him in a pit in her basement lotioning his skin while she dances to Goodbye Horses.
> 
> Also, for those of you following it, I’m still working on Two Weeks in Paris! The next chapter is a really important one for laying out the plot so I’m having to take my time working it out (and taking breaks to write these bad attempts at humor when I get a headache). It might be a couple weeks but it will come!

It was such a stupid way for her to find out, in the end.

 

With the spring fashion season already halfway over, designers the world around were all preparing to roll out their summer lines. This meant models were busy doing photo shoots in chinos and rolled linen trousers, in oxford button downs with the sleeves rolled up, in loafers and sandals.

 

More importantly, it meant models were also busy doing swimwear photo shoots.

 

More specifically, it meant that _Adrien Agreste_ was doing swimwear photo shoots.

 

 _Outdoor_ swimwear photo shoots.

 

Marinette supposed she should feel a bit guilty for abusing her powers as Ladybug for something so frivolous as spying on her half-naked crush, but in her defense, she was a red-blooded Parisian teenage girl. She had _needs_.

 

Setting aside moral quandaries, it was child’s play to find an elevated but concealed vantage point on a rooftop near Le Grand Paris, the elegant hotel owned by the Bourgeois family. From there she had a clear view of the fancy hotel poolside setup where Adrien was currently being paraded about in an absolutely sinful pair of low-slung black boardshorts. Thanks to her yoyo and it’s handy zooming capabilities, she was free to ogle all the man-flesh she desired in deliciously high definition. It wasn’t an invasion of privacy if it was all going to end up nationally published anyways, right?

 

The only downside was that she couldn’t take any photos for her most personal collection, but it didn’t really matter. This glorious sight was going to be burned into Marinette’s hindbrain for ages to come. Besides, she already had this particular designer’s fashion magazine on pre-order. That helped.

 

She hummed to herself as she watched an assistant delicately airbrush bronzer onto Adrien’s exposed skin, transforming him from pale beauty into sunkissed perfection. He was surprisingly buff for someone with the approximate body proportions of a lamppost--he wasn’t completely jacked or anything like that, but lean muscle subtly rippled beneath his skin, and he was sporting a respectable six pack. More impressive was the glimpse of the top of what looked like an absolutely fantastic Adonis belt peeking out above his swimsuit. Marinette swallowed reflexively, mouth suddenly very dry. _Must be all those fencing lessons,_ she thought dazedly.

 

Of course, it wasn’t like she wasn’t rocking a similar build under her red bodysuit. Even accounting for the physical boost her Miraculous gave her, months of throwing herself around Paris as Ladybug had given Marinette her own fair share of muscle definition.  Her usual daily wardrobe didn’t really show it off, but she was anticipating swimsuit season herself--she was looking forward to surprising a few people, Adrien hopefully among them. Maybe they could compare six packs, she thought to herself with a dreamy sigh, her eyes visually caressing said body region on the model below.

 

Unfortunately for Marinette and her rapidly developing voyeur kink, her hormone-fueled entertainment was soon cut short by the world’s most cruelly timed akuma attack. Marinette found herself very seriously contemplating murder as the sudden tell-tale sounds of chaos and panic reached her ears--surely no court would convict her for offing Hawkmoth, right? A little freebie from the justice system to say ‘thanks for restoring Paris all those times and saving us all those court costs’?

 

 _Probably not_. She sighed heavily. Oh well, it was always nice to dream. Marinette tilted her head, trying to decide how many streets over the commotion was. Maybe only a block or two? It looked like it was time to go work for a living. Bye bye pretty boy model. Speaking of, she turned her yoyo back to Adrien once more to make sure he at least got to safety before she headed out to find some trouble.

 

Good, she noted. He and the rest of the photo crew had cottoned on to the nearby danger and were scrambling into the safety of the hotel. Marinette graciously allowed herself a couple of extra seconds to admire his retreating backside. He wasn’t doing too bad for such a skinny boy.

 

But then--

 

Then Adrien stopped running. He had been bringing up the rear (oh and what a rear it was) of the retreating group of people, but as soon as the last other person ran indoors ahead of him, he abruptly stopped following and instead turned to crouch in a corner of the pool courtyard.

 

What on earth was he doing? Marinette really needed to get to the akuma fight, but first she needed to make sure this beautiful idiot boy didn’t get himself hurt. Did he drop something? Was he thinking about pulling an Alya and hero-chasing for once? That seemed unlike him--she had never spotted him voluntarily hanging around previous battles, apart from those times he was trying to help get his friends to safety. Adrien was such a nice, sensible guy. She liked that about him--after all, she already had one reckless blond in her life, another one would just turn her hair grey.

 

Marinette tilted her head, peering closer at the scene below her, acutely aware that she was wasting precious time but still unable to tear herself away. It looked like Adrien was talking to someone--she couldn’t hear anything from this distance but she could see his lips moving. Calling for help maybe? Odd, she didn’t see his phone out...was he talking to himself?

 

Just then, Adrien suddenly bolted upright, fist raised. A very familiar sort of light began to crawl across his body, leaving behind black leather where there had formerly only been spray tan and overpriced swimwear. A distinctive pair of cat ears and a leather tail sprang forth.

 

Marinette died.

 

Well, okay, that might not be entirely accurate. Her heart only stopped beating for about 10 seconds, which was not technically long enough to declare her clinically dead. She simply gave death a brief passing flyby.

 

Adrien.

 

Cat Noir.

 

What. The. Fuck.

 

Marinette started hyperventilating. Her love-sick crush was her dearest partner? Oh god, she couldn’t handle this right now. Fuck, she couldn’t handle this _ever_ ! Her eyes helplessly trailed after Cat Noir ( _Adrien! Ahhhhhh!_ ) as he leapt away towards the now-forgotten akuma fight. She stuck a fist into her mouth and screamed into it. Oh god, all the flirting, all the physical contact, all the kisses to the hand and heartfelt hugs, that had all been _Adrien_ ! She felt a bit faint. She had _even kissed him once_!

 

Her yoyo beeped and she reflexively flipped it open to see Cat Noir’s (- _aaaaaaaaaa-_ ) face peering out at her.

 

“Hey Bugaboo, there’s an akuma fight off Garibaldi! Are you on your way?” His eyes flicked to the side as he dodged some projectile, then he looked back at her. “I hate to _bug_ you but I could use a little back up!”

 

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” Marinette screamed at him in reply.

 

“Uh…” Cat Noir was staring now. “Okay, soooo…I’ll see you soon then?”

 

“Ahhhhhhhhh!” she yelled some more, helpfully.

 

“Right, good talk,” Cat Noir quipped. A loud crashing noise from behind him sounded out of the yoyo and he flinched. “Gotta go!” With a blink of light his face disappeared from her yoyo and she was left with only herself to scream to.

 

Which she did. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! _Fuck_ , what am I going to do?” Adrien was Cat Noir! Wait, shit, Adrien _was Cat Noir_! Who was currently fighting an akuma battle all alone! Fuck!

 

Marinette jumped to her feet. “Oh god I have to save him--them--him--fuck this is confusing!” She frantically shook her head, then tossed out her yoyo, launching herself with a smooth yank to zip in the direction of the commotion.

 

She arrived in a blaze of glory, swinging down to kick the akumatized villain square in the face before pulling herself back up to a rooftop. The villain, now lying flat on her back, was a tall woman with green skin and oversized snakes for hair. A Medusa knock-off? Just to be safe, Marinette kept her eyes focused on the villain’s mid section.

 

“Well aren’t you a _sight_ for sore _eyes_ , my Lady!” Cat Noir called from nearby. She turned her head to stare at him, owl-eyed. “She’s been freezing everyone in place--don’t make eye contact!” he informed her more seriously, confirming her suspicions. Indeed, Marinette could see frozen people dotting the street. They didn’t look like they had been turned to stone, but they certainly weren’t moving.

 

Marinette turned back to her partner and opened her mouth to ask about what fighting techniques had been working on the villain, but all came out was “Ahhhhhhhhh!” She closed her mouth again.

 

Cat Noir (-- _who was still Adrien ahhhhh--_ )  was staring. “Um...is everything alright?” She nodded her head jerkily at him. Everything was not, in fact, alright but there was no way she was dealing with this right now.

 

Marinette instead turned to glare down at the akumatized villain. “Hey snake-eyes!” she called, incredibly relieved to find that talking worked on the non-Adrien members of the fight. “You can’t just turn people into statues!”

 

“Don’t call me snake-eyes!” the villain screeched at her in return. “I am Gorgon! Men made fun of me for my ‘resting bitch face’. Well now I’m going to show them all just how ‘bitch’ my face can be!”

 

“Yikes,” Marinette muttered, even as she sympathized a little. Men sucked sometimes.

 

“You don’t have a chance! Ladybug and I are going to _freeze_ you in your tracks!” Cat N--Adri--whoever retorted, sounding far too pleased with himself.

 

He jumped back down to the street below and began to spar the villain with his staff. It didn’t go that well, given that he couldn’t properly look at her, so Marinette threw her yoyo down, whipping it in sharp strikes to assist him.

 

It worked for a few moments, but then the villain grabbed a hold of Cat-greste, wrenching him around by his hair to try and force his eyes to meet hers. Marinette thwarted her with a quick wrap of her yoyo around her partner, yanking him back away from the villain’s grasp to land in a pile of limbs beside her.

 

“Ouch!” he whined, rubbing the top of his head. Sure enough, Marinette could spot some blond clumps of hair remaining in Gorgon’s closed fist.

 

“Ahhh!” Marinette said to him. ‘Oops, sorry’ had been what she was aiming for, but oh well, close enough. Her partner didn’t even seem fazed by it at this point.

 

“Quit screeching, you banshee!” yelled Gorgon, looking infuriated. “Soon your ugly face will be frozen too, and then I will have your Miraculous! Then everyone will see!”

 

“Well, _eye_ think you _look_ _rock_ -ing, my Lady,” Adri-Noir said to her with a wink and waggle of his eyebrows, straightening up beside her. Okay, that was too much. She really couldn’t handle this right now. She strode forward and fisted her hand in the front of his catsuit. “Umm, Ladybug?” he asked a bit nervously, eyes flicking between her face and her hand.

 

Marinette didn’t reply, simply turning to chuck him down at the akumatized villain. Cat-rien yelled with terror the whole way down, eyes wide, before his voice abruptly cut off as he crossed the path of Gorgon’s gaze. He landed with a clatter, arms and legs still outstretched awkwardly, his face a mask of confused fear.

 

Okay, so maybe she had panicked. Still, with that problem out of the way, Marinette was ready to get down to business. She could see Gorgon grinning out of the periphery of her vision. “Let’s do this, woman to woman!” she yelled to her.

 

“Bring it on!” the villain called in return.

 

“ **Lucky Charm!** ” she called, a red and spotted brick dropping to land in her hands. That looked fun! Marinette peered around, looking for a good plan. Well, a good Plan A. Plan B was brain the villain with the brick, but she probably shouldn’t resort to that right off the bat, she figured. Down below, she could see an antique consignment store, and inside, an old vanity caught her eye. The vanity had a fancy mirror on it.

 

Well, that worked. Marinette swung herself down with her yoyo, chucked the brick through the storefront window, and picked her way through the broken glass inside, breaking the mirror off the vanity with a splintering of old, expensive mahogany. A few fancy gymnastic maneuvers later and she had Gorgon’s gaze reflected right back at her, freezing the villain in place.

 

Peering over the villain, she looked for a likely resting place for the evilized butterfly that was hidden somewhere, still careful to avoid meeting Gorgon’s frozen stare. No glasses, which would have been an easy guess. Maybe a piece of jewelry? Then Marinette caught sight of a clutch tucked into the belt of the villain’s dress. She snapped her fingers, grinning. The clutch almost certainly held the akumatized woman’s makeup, and it was her face’s appearance that she had been defensive of.

 

Marinette tried to tug it away, but it was frozen stiff as well. With a sigh, she stepped away to go fetch her trusty red brick, and brought it sharply down on the bag, freeing the corrupted butterfly. _One purification, coming right up!_ she thought to herself with a giggle.

 

Watching the newly-whitened butterfly soar away, Marinette idly tossed her brick from hand to hand. It was too bad she needed to get rid of it. She had _liked_ this lucky charm, so useful for once. Sighing, she threw it up in the air. “ **Miraculous Ladybug!** ” she called out, not quite at her usual level of enthusiasm. Bye bye little brick.

 

Red swarms of magical ladybugs soared outwards, winding around still figures on the street to reanimate them and restoring the store window from Marinette’s act of gleeful vandalism. Unfortunately, it also brought her current black-wearing problem back to his feet.

 

“Uhh…” Adri-cat started, looking around the restored street with confusion. “Good...job?” He timidly extended his fist towards her, eyes wide and fake ears back. If he had been a true cat, there was no doubt his back would’ve been arched and tail fluffed up in fear.

 

Marinette just nodded at him, tapping her fist against his with a sharp movement that made him jump. Clearly the last thing he remembered was being thrown headfirst towards the enemy by her.

 

“So uh…” he started, eyes darting everywhere except her face as though _she_ were the one who could turn people to stone. “Do you wanna...talk about it? Whatever’s _bugging_ you?” He glanced over to hesitantly smile at her, probably trying to gauge if this pun was going to get him pitched somewhere as well.

 

Marinette couldn’t help but smile back at him, even as she felt herself flush. That was _Adrien_ smiling at her! But it was also _Cat Noir_ and she couldn’t leave him hanging.

 

With a great amount of effort, she managed to move her mouth to form actual words. “S-sorry,” she mumbled. _Okay, yes, good. Keep it up._ “Umm….” Shit, what could she say? “Girl problems!” she suddenly blurted, then smacked a hand over her mouth before any more embarrassing crap could tumble out.

 

“Oh!” he said in surprise, turning a bit red himself. “Well, uh, that sucks, err--” he rubbed his hand on the back of his head, looking as awkward as she had ever seen him. Usually he was so confident as Cat Noir, but right that moment Marinette could see Adrien clearly shining through. It was a bit disconcerting.

 

“Ah, yeah, well, you know,” she babbled awkwardly in return. “Or I mean, you don’t know, being a guy and all but uh, yeah.” Okay, this was rapidly turning into a disaster. Time to make a quick exit. “I’m gonna go before…” _before I start screaming again_ , she thought silently to herself. “Before I die,” she instead finished. Marinette nodded firmly to herself. _Nailed it._

 

Adrien “Cat-fucking-Noir” Agreste just nodded back at her, eyes wide.

 

“Bug out!” Marinette called out her traditional exit phrase, trying to get a grasp back on normalcy. A quick zip of her yoyo and she was gone, gone, gone.

 

Marinette dropped through her patio trap door, landing in her loft as she released her transformation, red sparkling off of her. Tikki spun around her in the air as she dramatically ran to her bed and threw herself face down onto it, Disney princess style. Whatever, she deserved a good round of hysterics.

 

Or maybe just a good tantrum. Marinette screamed into her pillow, the sound muffled. She had no chill right now whatsoever. Cat Noir was Adrien! How was she supposed to deal with that?

 

She screamed again, kicking her feet wildly against the mattress. The boy she loved was--well, the other boy she loved. Wait, was this as negative as it seemed? Overwhelming, sure, but was it a bad thing? She let her screaming trail off as she turned it over in her head. She was in love with Adrien, sure, but it’s not like she hated Cat Noir. And this was a neat solution to the very real problem of having to hide her respective other selves from either of them (or rather, just him? This was so confusing).

 

Marinette was starting to warm up to the idea. Adrien and Cat Noir were two of the most important people in her life, and while them being one and the same complicated things, it also simplified things in other ways. Her feelings ran very deep for both of them--or rather, both sides of him. In Cat Noir she held unwavering faith and trust, and she did love him with the pure sort of love one would have for a very dear friend. It was not unlike the bond she held with Alya or Tikki, just more intense. And in Adrien she held deep admiration and a fervent desire to ease the loneliness he tried so hard to hide. The two sets of feelings weren’t contradictory, so combining them in the same person just made things more crystal clear to her.

 

After all, in quieter moments, Marinette had sometimes wondered about the possibility of Cat Noir. She knew very well that if she hadn’t met Adrien, she would have easily fallen for her partner instead. She had tried to keep from ever examining it too closely, but she had sometimes felt gravitated towards him, like they were caught in each other's orbits and that eventually things would line up and they would collide. Cat Noir had felt inevitable. But her feelings towards Adrien had never diminished, so she had always pushed those thoughts away, feeling like it was unfair to both of her boys to even entertain the idea.

 

Plus, they (he?) were both hot. This did made Marinette feel quite a bit better about all those times she had discreetly scoped out Cat Noir’s, ah, assets. She had always felt vaguely guilty for ‘window shopping’ when her heart belonged to Adrien, but in her defense, the black leather was very flattering.

 

But both of her boys were only one boy, and didn’t that make things easy on her.

 

Or did it?

 

Could she even confess to them (him)? If her feelings were rebuffed, it would be doubly devastating. The risk of losing either Cat Noir or Adrien had always paralyzed her, keeping her from ever truly acting on her feelings. The thought of potentially get rejected and pushed away by both in one fell swoop was unbearable.

 

And what was she even supposed to say? ‘Oh hey Adrien, I was just trying to scope out your delicious hipbones when I couldn’t help but notice you breaking out with a bad case of superhero vigilantism. It just so happens that I, too, suffer from that condition. Wow, we have, like, so much in common! Wanna go out sometime?’

 

Or maybe ‘Hey Cat Noir, I was stalking your alter-ego like a total creep when I found out you are secretly the same model I’ve been crushing on, so call me maybe? I mean, sure, I’ve always turned you down before but that was before I knew you were hot. How about it?’

 

Yeah, no.

 

Besides, while he flirted with her as Cat Noir, she knew he didn’t really mean it. Even if there _was_ a hint of substance behind it from time to time, it certainly wouldn’t hold up once he found out that behind the glamorous facade of Ladybug, there was only plain, inadequate, disappointing Marinette.

 

And as Adrien he barely noticed her. He certainly didn’t think of her romantically--hadn’t he tried to help set her up with Nino that one time? Sure, they had gotten closer and she had lost much of her awkwardness around him, but it was still a casual friendship at best. And while she had sometimes thought Adrien admired Ladybug (and didn’t that make sense in retrospect, if he was Cat Noir all along?) that was still just him looking at an idealized version of herself.

 

She _couldn’t_ confess. It would ruin everything!

 

Marinette groaned loudly into her pillow, and felt Tikki pat her hair in response. She rolled over to face her kwami, who was hovering above her with wide-eyed concern.

 

“Tikki, what am I supposed to do? Adrien is Cat Noir, but I can’t say anything!” she wailed. “I think I love him even more now, but now I _really_ can’t let him know!”

 

Tikki frowned at her. “Marinette, you shouldn’t be afraid. Honesty is always the best choice with love, and he loves you back, I’m sure of it. Remember the poem?”

 

Marinette shook her head in response. “He loves Ladybug, not me.”

 

“Marinette, you _are_ Ladybug!” Tikki assured her. “The spots don’t change anything, you are still the same amazing girl, and he will see that.”

 

“I can’t risk it,” Marinette replied morosely. “When he realizes Ladybug is just plain old me, he’s going to lose any interest.”

 

Tikki swooped down to cuddle against Marinette’s face. “You are being silly! Besides, it’s not like you can keep this a secret forever.”

 

“Watch me,” Marinette muttered rebelliously, teenage obstinance in full force.

 

“It doesn’t have to be right away if you aren't ready,” Tikki reassured her.

 

That gave Marinette an idea. She bolted upright, suddenly feeling energized again. “Tikki, that’s it!” She jumped up and rushed down from her bed. “I know what to do!”

 

“Hooray!” Tikki cheered. The she paused, probably remembering exactly which dysfunctional mess of a teen she was dealing with. “Uh, what exactly is that?”

 

Marinette yanked down her drop-down chart of Adrien’s schedule triumphantly. “I just need to adjust my plan!”

 

“Oh dear,” Tikki muttered. She continued louder, “Really, Marinette, just talk to him!”

 

Marinette violently shook her head, ponytails flying. “No way! If I work Adrien being Cat Noir into my game plan, I can surely find the way to his heart! No wonder things haven’t been working--this is the factor I’ve been missing, it’s just what I needed all along!” She turned to her diagram, already losing herself in thought, not even noticing Tikki sinking her face into her hands. “I need some markers!” she declared. “And some push-pins, and maybe some string...and definitely some more photos!”

 

Tikki was making a very high-pitched whining sound from behind her, but Marinette ignored it. What did a multi-millennia-old god know about love, anyway? Marinette totally had this! She would keep her secrets and still make Adrien fall in love with her. This was foolproof! With a grin, she uncapped a sharpie and got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marinette, get it together girl. Also, poor Tikki, she tries so hard to be supportive and inspirational and instead ends up just creating the frontrunner for the leading role in the next Fatal Attraction remake.
> 
> Man, for seasoned superheroes, these poor children sure can’t handle the occasional surprise with any sort of grace.
> 
> Also, one of my favorite pocket fanon theories is that Marinette is secretly ripped. Just this little waif of an Asian girl, sporting a six pack and mad biceps. I love it.


End file.
